Struggling with Homosexuality

There's this phrase that gets used in religious circles when someone comes out as gay-- "struggling with homosexuality". It's always struck me as a really stupid phrase.

Most gay people, once they've come out, aren't struggling with homosexuality. They've accepted it as part of who they are. They may be struggling to understand how that impacts their life now, how to go forward in honesty and integrity as a gay man or lesbian. They may be struggling a lot with rejection and condemnation piled on them because of who they are. They struggle to find a place in a society that assumes heterosexuality. But they aren't struggling with their sexuality.

What people are actually implying with the phrase is that they believe the person is struggling with the consequences of some unwise choices they are assumed to have made in their actual sex lives. The assumption is that anyone who comes out as a homosexual has had sex because, hey, the word "sex" is right there in the word. Sometimes we give them the benefit of the doubt and figure they've come out as a sort of early warning of impending sexual relations, a sort of "I'm telling you this now because I'm planning to go out and get a boyfriend/girlfriend and have lots of sex" thing. Given that teens and even children are coming out younger and younger as gay, lesbian, or bisexual (one blogger on Huffington Post has been sharing her adventures as the mother of a boy who at the age of 7 announced that he was gay), those kinds of assumptions just aren't appropriate. Gay people are gay regardless of whether they are or have ever had or ever intend to have same-sex sex.

Now, sometimes gay people have made unwise sexual choices and have to deal with the consequences, or are trying to decide if it's okay to start a same-sex sexual relationship. But, you know, if a woman gets pregnant outside of marriage and has to make difficult choices for what to do, we don't say she's "struggling with heterosexuality." A man who is facing a divorce because of an affair with a woman not his wife isn't "struggling with heterosexuality." A girl trying to decide if she should cave to pressure from her boyfriend to have sex (or vice-versa-- girls aren't innocent of putting pressure on boys for sex) isn't "struggling with heterosexuality." We call those things what they are. We don't wrap the blame up in the person's sexual identity.

The truth is, it's us straight people who struggle with homosexuality. We don't understand the attractions they feel. We're not sure where our religious convictions should lie. Sometimes it makes us uncomfortable. We don't know how to explain those two men kissing to our kids. Sometimes our assumptions of heterosexual orientation in another person get quite flattened and we are caught off-guard and feeling a bit foolish that we didn't know or hurt that we weren't told earlier. We struggle with homosexuality.

But gay people? Not so much.

On the Claim of Gay-as-Choice

Lately I've been hanging out a lot on progressive Christian blogger John Shore's blog at johnshore.com as well as on several Facebook pages by progressive Christian groups such as Thru-Way Christians and The Christian Left. I also have a lot of LGBTQIA friends on Facebook who post various things of interest to LGBTQIA rights and issues.

In all these places, you will encounter people who are opposed to GLBTQIA equality based on various arguments about its sinfulness, always accompanied by the claim that GLB orientation is a choice and the assumption that GLB orientation is accompanied by non-heterosexual sexual activity. If anyone takes the time to address these folks instead of simply calling them names, they usually point to either scientific studies or their own personal experience that this orientation was not a choice. I don't think I've ever seen anyone convinced by these arguments.

I think the problem is, these people are also arguing from personal experience, and their personal experience doesn't align with the scientific studies or the experiences of GLB persons. I also think it comes from a confusion of terms.

Let me unfold this a bit.

Somewhere I ran across the statistic that one study had polled a bunch of men who identified as heterosexual and found that 50% of them admitted to homosexual behaviors. Now, I'm not saying a straight man couldn't go and have gay sex with another man, but a truly heterosexual man generally wouldn't unless placed in a longterm situation where that was his only choice (like, say, prison). That 50% of these straight men admitted to homosexual sexual behaviors tells me that they're using a definition of "heterosexual" that isn't the scientific one.

For most people, your sexuality means what you do sexually most of the time. To the scientific community, sexuality has to do with your attractions, not your behaviors. Someone who has practiced lifelong celibacy, for instance, still has a sexuality. Someone like ex-ex-gay leader John Smid, who is in a heterosexual marriage with children, is still gay, despite his sexual behavior.

And that's where the disconnect comes in.

Many people are some level of bisexual in orientation, even if it's extremely slight. For those who define their sexuality by what they've done with it, rather than by their attractions, and who believe that same-sex sexual activity is morally wrong, their heterosexuality is a choice. No, they didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll be straight," but they have avoided by choice same-sex behaviors with people they are attracted to, quite possibly on a regular basis.

For those who define sexuality as what-you-do and not what-you-are and are further hampered by the narcissistic worldview that everyone's experiences are similar to their own, a homosexual is one who engages in same-sex sex by choice because from these people's points of view, everyone is attracted to both sexes and, therefore, chooses their sexual behavior. The thought that there are people who are mono-sexual-- only attracted to one sex or the other and not both, and therefore incapable of choosing sexual attraction to or behavior with the non-preferred sex-- is completely, profoundly incomprehensible.

I am a straight mono-sexual woman. The thought of having sex with a woman isn't so much repugnant as simply unimaginable. It isn't a choice. I don't actively avoid attractions to the same sex. I simply don't have any. For me, the thought that there are people in the world who have the same mono-sexual attractions, but to the same sex, isn't that much of a reach.

But for the vast majority of people sitting somewhere in the middle who misunderstand the nature and definition of sexuality, it seems like a choice-- a choice they've rejected.

I understand the anger GLBTQIA people have and why they don't want to engage people who have systematically oppressed them. They shouldn't have to deal with these folks if they don't want to. Their energies are better spent focusing on surviving and thriving in a world that is so often hostile to them.

So maybe it's time for us allies to step up and have a discussion with the misguided. I'm open to thoughts on how to open this dialogue, given what I think is often at the heart of the misunderstanding.

Romanesco

This is one of the coolest veggies ever! It's sort of a cross between cauliflower and broccoli, but with fractal florets (follow any of the links below to see what I mean). I've been looking at seed suppliers, and the following ones carry seeds for broccoli/cauliflower romanesco:

Cherry Gal:
Packet (25 seeds): $1.25

D. Landreth seed company:
Packet (no size given): $2.00
1/4 lb: $26.20 (larger sizes as well)

Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds:
Packet (300! seeds): $2.50

Seed Savers Exchange:
Packet (50 seeds): $2.75

Jung Seeds:
Packet (20 seeds): $2.75
500 seeds: $24.95

Johnny's Seeds:
Packet (30 seeds): $2.95
250 Seeds: $11.50

Park Seeds:
Packet (20 seeds): $2.95

The Cook's Garden:
Packet (125 seeds): $3.25

Thompson & Morgan:
Packet (15 seeds): $3.95 (but currently on sale for $.99)

Stokes Seeds:
Packet (25 seeds): $4.95

Microgreens

So I've started growing some microgreens to see how they do for adding a bit of garden freshness over the cold months. Planted a few things Saturday before last. Radishes appear to take only 8 days to harvest. I'm anxious to see how the cilantro does. It takes a while to germinate, so I'm just now seeing the first sprouts. I also have very old cilantro seeds, so I may not get a very good germination rate.